I've been working on a redesign of the site. Pics of progress are available here, here, and here. You guys probably hate it. It's something I'm working on.

Anyway, in the interim, and because it's the hip thing to do, here's a guest author for today's entry. Mr. Matt Lowe, standup-comic extrordinaire. I'll explain this entry later.

< begin matt >

So, how bout them Olsen twins, eh?

They're getting a lot of press lately. Apparently they're on the bubble of turning 18, and so now they're all hot and sexually approachable, as if that legal distinction really matters to much of the underage-pinup-girl-magazine-buying public.

To most people like me, I think they kind of dropped off our radars for a while- it was like Full House, then nothing, and now this Oooh, it's like Britney but there's two and they're twins. Yet, if you go by the bargain bin at your local Wal*Mart, you'll find it chock full of crazy adventure movies they've made. It's insane. The sheer volume of direct-to-video schlock they've made since Full House is more than any pedophile could hope to masturbate to in a single human lifetime.

Am I right?

Am I right?

I don't actually care if I'm right or not, they just pay us to say that.

My real concern isn't so much the rampant drooling over these hot hot underage sex conduits, but that we're setting them up for a big, big fall. I mean, the majority of people who even knew who they were before being instructed by Teen People remember these girls telling Uncle Jessie they pooped their pants. This isn't like Britney/Christina or the new wave of Lohan/Duff. These girls can't just flash a boob and have middle America applaud them for their stance on premarital sex. They're gonna have a rough time navigating the murky waters of teen sex princessdom.

Because, it's one thing to strut around in a schoolgirl uniform and have a hillarious vegas marriage. America will buy that and lap up more. They'll even laugh at Bob Dole horning in on it. The Olsens have a much tougher job ahead of them: convincing America to forget about the time they spit up on Dave Coulier, and treat them like the iconic forbidden fruits they have been inexorably developing into for the last 10 years.

But if they should fail to do so- if they should try to make the jump from cute motherless babies, craving the attention and care they need - because, you know, Stamos can't be everywhere - we may never again be able to titillate ourselves with wildly objectifying pictures of young starlets. The whole mediawhoring system could come crashing down, as America hits its collective conscience threshold and says to themselves, "My god, what have we done?" And that would close a long, long line of tradition in this country. Did I say long? I meant profitable. It would close a profitable tradition in this country.

So I say be careful, young Ashley, and don't let the hyphen bog you down, young Mary-Kate. America's not done whoring you out just yet. And if you play your cards right, you might find yourselves partying with the likes of Paris Hilton while still enjoying the wholesome image that empties those Wal*mart bargain bins in the midwest.

They're telling me I've put enough of you to sleep for the night. That's all my time tonight.

< end matt >

[walk on from joey slotnick]