Do you wonder what would happen if you did stand up and say 'Don't go?'
When we don't do things like that is it pride? Or is it shock that it's come to this point?
And if the friendship was really really real, is there ever a point when there's nothing else you can do to make it better?

I've tried so hard to just politely bow out of all this. Hell, I'm not even in all this enough to bow out. It's more like I'm the spectator with the funny shirt that Drew Carey or David Letterman points out every now and again but who never gets invited down for a game of "Moving People." And that's okay, because it really hasn't been my place to comment on.. well, things. It hasn't all involved me, and nosing my way in would probably only have made matters worse. So I've avoided commenting on even the most mundane zaxis entries because I didn't want to get my foot in the door.

Still, I'm bothered. A lot. One of the parties involved is a person I care deeply about, and I've been dying to meet the other since I first heard about her years ago.

And since I can't do anything about it -- and, in fact, am unwilling to interfere by even trying -- I'd like to make clear one thing that has been nagging me.

I never wanted any of this to happen between you.

That is very nice of you Leslie.

I want you to know, since Patrick seemed to misinterpret and create when it came to how I feel about you, that I have nothing against you. I would like to meet you as well. You sound like a fun, interesting person.

I hope you know and he has made it clear, though I suspect he hasn't, because Patrick, even up to the point that I said I had only so much left for all of this, didn't believe a word I said, that this whole thing wasn't about you. I hope you don't feel like it came about because of the two of you. I would hate for you to feel like that. If you do, in any way, I hope you will e-mail me and ask me specifics so I can make it clear.

And while I'm clearing some air...
I went to Patrick's on the 11th to try to fix something. Talk something out. While I was there, he laughed at me a couple of times, there was yelling from both of us, and when I told him that I had 1% left, he told me it was just dramamtics, I do it all the time... and thus my 1% was killed and I left. And Patrick didn't even look up from the computer. He said nothing. After I was in my car, he watched me leave from the inside of his house, looking out of the little window at the top of his door... So I'm curious to see an answer to Lish's question.

So, with all your "sadness", Patrick, I hope it was worth your snipe about dramatics and I hope you know how sad it is that you couldn't believe me right up to the end. And I mostly hope, because I'm 100% through with you in my life, that you never do this to Leslie or anyone else you supposedly care about. It shows you don't care one fucking bit and it makes you every other asshole out there.

Leslie, I hope your sense of worth stays intact and I hope the truths Patrick tells you are actually truths and aren't just covers ups for what he's really thinking and feeling. Sadly, since he's a great actor, it would be too late to know.
And I hope you don't end up having the person you care very much about make you feel awful about yourself and your time with him... And if I come up sometime, I hope you get an accurate representation of me, instead of awful lies and assumptions because he has no clue what I have thought or wanted these past few months. I hope you are spared vague nothings.

Sometime, if it wouldn't be too weird or you would be interested, you should send me an e-mail and we could get a cup of coffee or something. If you end up wanting to do that later down the line, that's cool too. If not, that's understandable.

Everybody else -
I know how Patrick presents me to you. I have first hand evidence of it. I have Patrick in my ear telling me I said things I did not and did things I did not and I am sure they were for your benefit. And I know how Patrick presents himself to you. Especially along side how he presents me. And I feel bad for you.

You're welcome for the show.

A side note -

Everytime I walked out your house angry and came back to say I was sorry or to try to talk it out, every time I stopped by or called to see if you were okay after a fight, every little thing like that...

It was wonderful to see that you saw my forgiveness and unwilingness to just leave you there feeling like shit because of a fight or things I said in anger, as dramatics.

It was the last sign I needed to see you have no clue what you want with me in your life, what you had with me in your life, and that I don't need or want to have you in mine.